This article discusses sexual assault and may be triggering for some readers. The Journal uses “survivor” to refer to those who have experienced sexual assault. We acknowledge this term is not universal. The Kingston Sexual Assault Centre’s 24-hour crisis and phone line can be reached at 613-544-6424 / 1-800-544-6424. For on campus , community may email [email protected].
Playboy and Pornhub aren’t just warping dating expectations—they’re fueling a culture of sexual violence.
A wave of anger crashes over Cameron* like a hot tide, her fists clenching instinctively, nails biting into her palms. Tension coils through her body as she struggles to contain the fire inside her. The thought of men believing it’s acceptable to mimic the violent acts they’ve seen in pornography, crossing the line into real-life assault against women, sends fury coursing through her veins.
This isn’t just an abstract issue for her. It’s a harsh reality she has faced. Someone’s life has been permanently altered because of this, and the weight of that truth ignites her fury, propelling her to confront injustice with determination.
“With the proliferation of the internet and other forms of media, adolescents have easy access to a large collection of sexually explicit material,” Whitney Rostad, PhD in Developmental and Child Psychology, said in a PubMed Central publication.
Rostad reports as of 2015, out of all U.S. Grade 10 high school female-identifying students that dated in the past year, 9.6 per cent experienced physical victimization and 10.6 per cent experienced sexual assault.
“A number of cross-sectional and experimental studies spanning several decades suggested that pornography use, particularly by men, is positively associated with sexual aggression and violence-condoning attitudes toward women,” Meagan Brem, PhD in clinical psychology, said in a National Library of Medicine publication.
Social learning theory has been used by researchers to “bolster script theory by suggesting that pornography may reinforce certain behaviours of physical and sexual violence toward women, by portraying men’s and women’s pleasure in response to physical and sexual violence in the absence of negative consequences,” Brem said.
Brem’s study suggests men who exhibit higher self-reported levels of excessive, compulsive, and uncontrollable pornography consumption are more likely to perpetrate physical and sexual intimate partner violence (IPV) than those with lower levels of pornography use.
However, what often begins as an innocent escape into porn can quickly sabotage real-life intimacy with consequences reaching even further, as violent sexual expectations become worryingly normalized.
“I would never want someone to have the idea that sex is supposed to be violent—that shouldn’t be normalized but it has been,” Cameron said in a statement to The Journal. “The experience of watching violent pornography is extremely damaging to young girls because it sets unreal standards they must achieve when they lose their virginity to a man and have to mirror exactly what would be seen in pornography.”
“The pornography of today is very violent towards women and quite racist, fetishizing black and brown women,” Tasha Belix, ed psychologist, wrote in a statement to The Journal.
Practising in Calgary, Alta., Belix’s private practice specializes in ing girls eight to 21 years old and their families, with internalizing disorders. She provides therapy services for anxiety, depression, self-harm, obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD), anger, self-esteem, sports enhancement, conflict in families, trauma, and sexual abuse.
According to Belix, exposure to violent porn can be very intimidating for many young women as they may not have much sexual experience but still feel the pressure to live up to the image of the women portrayed in porn. These standards are beyond sky high.
“The exposure gives the wrong idea of sex, where it makes men and boys think the type of sexual intercourse you see watching pornography is reality, and it is not,” Cameron said.
Cameron explains exposure to violent pornography has further contributed to a damaging culture in the acceptable manners in how a man can treat a woman during sexual experiences.
“Titles of pornography videos on websites, such as ‘I made her…’ gives boys the idea that it’s socially acceptable to make a women perform certain sexual acts against her desire and essentially allow men to think it is tolerable to sexually assault women,” Cameron said. “Pornography enforces standards of sexual experience for men to expect everything for women, and that sex never involves the women’s desires.”
Cameron reflects on her own experiences during intimate moments with partners of her past, and the long-term damaging affects they’ve had on her and her perception of sex and relationships.
“When I was 14 years-old, I wasn’t a porn-star, but my partner, a porn addict, normalized sexual violence against me,” Cameron said. “It took me an extremely long time to not hate the concept of sex because of this experience.”
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Many women have shared with Belix they believe the increase in violent sexual experiences and “pretty hard-core” sexual requests from men in a dating relationship is due to large doses of violent pornography.
Belix noted the most concerning part of exposure to violent pornography is how women’s and girls’ experiences have become so alike, they’re almost becoming a shared narrative.
“You’re hooking up with someone and while you’re having sex, they kind of look through you and you know they’re off somewhere else thinking about porn—at this point, the girl is really just there as a vagina—there is absolutely no emotional connection, and the girl often feels used afterwards,” Belix said.
The psychologist paints a bleak picture of emotional detachment in hookup culture, and the problem doesn’t end there—it spills over into aggressive, even violent, dating experiences.
“I have had many conversations, both in session time with clients, as well as conversations around my kitchen table with my own girls who are 24, 21 and 19 years old, about their experiences of having aggressive and violent dating experiences,” Belix said.
This violence materializes itself uniquely for each relationship. For example, some of her clients have been punched in the face while kissing a man on a date or choked while having sex without any discussion about desire or consent.
Exposure to violent pornography has led to a higher frequency number of men pressuring their partner to have anal sex with them, according to Belix.
“I can recall a story of a young man being impotent with his long-time girlfriend after sharing his addiction to pornography. His baseline for a turn on, could not be reached with his real-life partner. What likely started as an innocent sexual discovery and enjoyment, turned into an addiction, with very detrimental consequences, including his own mental health,” she said.
“We know most boys will watch porn during their sexual development, and it can be a normal part of life, but for some, this pursuit will become addictive,” Belix said.
Belix recognizes watching porn might be a typical part of growing up for many young men, but for some, it crosses the line into addiction.
“It’s important for adults to show some understanding that curiosity around sexual images and content is normal, understandable, stimulating, and expected to some extent,” Belix said.
The lack of trust and hope is what Belix finds more worrisome. Many girls hold the expectation they’ll find a dating or sexual partner who’s consensual, mutually respectful, and emotionally connected.
Belix has heard from several young women they’ve lost hope in men their age, teens to young adults, being ready to have a real relationship, one that encomes a deep emotional connection and strong communication.
“Porn is a fantasy, not real-life sex,” Belix said.
Yet, through increasing dating connections and “hook-up culture” via social media, the issue of sexual violence experienced by women is only getting worse.
Hook-up culture is defined as uncommitted sexual encounters and “may include a wide range of sexual behaviours, such as kissing, oral sex, and penetrative intercourse,” Dr. Justin Garcia, evolutionary biologist and sex researcher said in a PubMed Central research article.
“I take special interest to the violence experienced by women as a direct result of exposure to pornography because the amount of women I’ve heard say their male partner is addicted to porn—and, in turn, expects their female-partner to be just like those women—is appalling,” Cameron said.
There’s an alarming trend of men expecting their partners to mirror the unrealistic portrayals in porn, Cameron added.
Belix warns if young people are picking up relationship skills from the internet, they’re skipping the all-important—and often hilariously awkward—flirting phase that once made courtship so delightfully messy.
“If young people are learning their relationship skills online, they’re missing the critical piece of developing a true social and intimate connection, not to mention, the awkward flirting stage that typically went along with courtship in the past,” Belix said.
“With most kids having a phone with data by age 12, you can imagine how for some, their template for what they view a sexual relationship as will be perversely skewed—add alcohol to the mix, as it such a big part of most university campuses, and you have Lord of the Flies on steroids,” she added.
Young exposure to technology turns the path to intimacy into a chaotic free-for-all.
“If the ultimate hope is for a young boy to one day grow into an adult who is capable of a loving, intimate relationship, then pornography does nothing to grow the attachment piece—the saddest consequence in my opinion,” Belix said.
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In presenting a solution to this ever-increasing issue of exposure to pornography at a young age increasing violence experienced by women in relationships, Belix claims parents are where the solution starts.
“Parents really need to monitor their kids and teens phone use during this critical window of sexual development as well as have conversations about pornography not being real,” she said. “Parents need to model healthy relationships ourselves and if someone is struggling with an addiction to pornography, we need more physicians and therapists trained in order to them better.”
“Ultimately, this is an issue that should be addressed from the top down to access—to access Pornhub, one only has to opt-in to say there are 18 years-old,” Belix said. “Our policies need to do a better job of protecting our most vulnerable citizens.”
As a mother of three young women, Belix hopes her daughters will have positive experiences in the dating world—something she believes every individual deserves.
*Name changed due to safety concerns.
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