I often struggle to distinguish between what I do out of love and what I do out of obligation.
“You aren’t obligated to take care of us when we get old.” My dad explicitly said this in one of our weekly family discussions when I was 12 years old.
This point of information may not sound surprising until I tell you my family has been based in Beijing our entire lives, and we’re 100 per cent Chinese.
The Chinese concept of filial piety, or Xiao, emphasizes respecting and caring for one’s elders, and is one of many examples of the cultural obligations a child must carry out as they assist their parents’ health in their older age. This burden is placed on children with the guise that it’s an important, ancient tradition—but this may not be true.
Family is one of the central ideas of Confucian culture, an ancient Chinese belief system, and is the origin of Xiao. The foundational literature on this says: “When your parents are alive, don’t travel far. If you do have to travel, be sure to have a specific destination.” Chinese people consider caring for aging parents the right way of doing things. This right way of behaving has been transformed and masqueraded as an “obligation” by a lot of people in Chinese society.
However, if we examine it more closely, the old Chinese saying aligns better with the reality of a responsibility: a moral choice, not a binding rule. Not everyone follows this philosophy, and those who don’t are still allowed to live their lives freely.
The crutch of ancient text to pressure children into the caretaking role is unive to the strict rule that Chinese children ought to care for their parents, so it’s funny to think so many people follow this tradition.
If children do take on this role of caretaker, it’s simply out of familial love and a personal responsibility, not based in cultural truth. An obligation is a binding duty, often legal, which implies some sort of necessity. However, a responsibility is a general duty, which can be moral, social, or personal. The key difference is that while obligation entails necessity, responsibility can be encouraged or expected but isn’t mandatory.
Western cultures are used to the idea that there’s no obligation between parents and children, but rather a moral responsibility of family . The Western society embraces individualism, which shapes their views on the relationship between parents and children. After all, it’s not the children’s will to be conceived and born. Thus, it’s more civilized to acknowledge there’s no obligation for children to take care of their aging parents, but familial courtesy based on pre-established, loving relationships, with no strings attached.
It’s true that parents are legally bound to provide necessities such as food, shelter, education, and healthcare for their children. However, “taking care” involves raising children with love, values, and guidance. This aligns with the definition of “responsibility” not “obligation.
I found myself feeling a pull towards my parents when I went away to university. I wanted to make sure they were okay and I took a personal interest in their health. It wasn’t the cultural pressure I felt drawing me into this headspace, it was the moral duty I felt towards my loved ones.
Approximately one in four Canadians aged 15 and older provide care to a family member with a long-term health condition or physical or mental disability. This may seem like a benign statistic, but cultural obligation shaming children into this role contributes to the 7.8 million young familial caregivers seen in Canada.
And that’s the difference. Obligation is enforced. Responsibility here is a chosen act of love and gratitude.
At the core of this debate is something deeply human: emotion. My dad is an individualist, yet his empathy guides his actions. He may believe in rational self-interest, but he isn’t selfish. Because ultimately, logic alone doesn’t define human relationships—love does.
Krissy Liu is a fourth-year commerce student.
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