Dear Liz,
My friends no longer feel like my friends. All they do is talk about money, items, and the haves and have-nots. In these conversations, my friends always end up talking poorly about someone else and it makes me uncomfortable. I might be young, but I know there’s more to life than this. We’ve all been friends since first year, and I just re-signed a lease with them for fourth year. But I just feel I’ve grown so far apart from them. I left the pre early last night and they didn’t notice, not even a day later. Oh, wise Liz, what do I do? Is it worth leaving the group with only one year left? Or is that even more a reason to do so?
Signed,
Growth Over Gossip
Dear Growth Over Gossip,
First off, let me say how impressed I am by your self-awareness and clarity. Recognizing that you’ve outgrown certain dynamics takes maturity—especially when those dynamics are tied to long-standing friendships. This kind of realization is a natural part of growth, and spoiler alert: it won’t be the last time you face it. Friendships evolve just as we do, and sometimes, the people who fit perfectly in one chapter of your story just don’t make sense in the next. It sounds like you’re craving connections that match who you’re becoming. That’s something to celebrate.
The friendships we make in first year often feel like they’re meant to last forever, but by fourth year, things can get complicated. We’ve all been there. Sometimes, we hold on because of history, convenience (hello, shared leases), or just plain inertia. But truth is, it’s okay to it when those bonds no longer nourish you.
Let’s talk about your next steps. Leaving a friend group doesn’t always mean slamming the door—literally or metaphorically. It can mean shifting how much energy you give and where you direct it. If your friends are the sort who won’t notice your absence at a pre, chances are they also won’t notice if you start branching out—try spending more time with classmates, ing a club, or diving into an activity that puts you in the orbit of people who value what you value. Sometimes, it’s about widening your circle rather than cutting people out entirely.
As for the lease, it’s ultimately your decision to make. Consider weighing the pros and cons: the time, energy, and money it would take to find a new place versus the reality that it’s just one year—a blink in the grand timeline of your life. If you decide to stay, that coexisting doesn’t require deep friendship. Keep it civil, set some boundaries, and your apartment doesn’t have to be your social hub.
I’ll leave you with one piece of advice if you choose to stay within reach of the group: manage your expectations. Sometimes, we unknowingly set ourselves up for disappointment by expecting people to behave in ways they may never meet. I realized recently in therapy that I was walking into conversations with one of my professors expecting disappointment, frustration, or even hurt feelings. Unsurprisingly, those were often the emotions I left with.
But, once I stopped assuming the worst, I noticed something interesting. Most conversations were fine—neutral, even—and the moments that truly upset me became few and far between. If you can approach your friends without preloaded judgment, you might find it easier to navigate those interactions. That doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behaviour or pretending everything’s peachy—it just means lightening the emotional baggage you bring into the room.
You’re not wrong for wanting more meaningful connections. By adjusting how you engage, you might gain clarity on whether these friendships still have room to grow—or decide whether it’s time for you to move on with a clear conscience and a happy heart.
With Love,
Liz
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