Dear Liz,
I started dating a longtime friend in January. It was my first real relationship, and I fell deeply in love with her. We became that annoyingly inseparable couple. She’s leaving for an exchange program next week, and after a summer of tough conversations, she decided she didn’t want to try long distance while she’s away. I was devastated but understood—until a week or two after we broke up, when she posted an Instagram story cozying up with her ex-boyfriend. I brushed it off at first, knowing they were still friends. But yesterday, a mutual friend told me they’re back together and planning to try long distance while she’s on exchange. She’s also removed all our photos (even as friends) from her profile and taken the pride flag out of her bio. Did I mean anything to her at all?
Signed,
Lost in Love and Left Behind
Dear Lost in Love and Left Behind,
The ending of relationships often don’t match the tenderness of their beginnings. This isn’t because your connection didn’t matter. Your experience and what you put into the relationship is a testament to the depth of your feelings and courage, not a reflection of your worth. Any kind of love always means something. But people, especially when they’re unsure in who they are, can sometimes react to love by pulling away or attempting to redefine themselves, sometimes painfully.
There’s no rule that a relationship must last to be “successful.” Every person we let into our lives—even those who leave—leaves a mark on us. And undeniably, we leave a mark on them. For the 20 year anniversary of the New York Times Modern Love column this month, editor Daniel Jones wrote a reflection titled, “Seven Ways to Love Better.” He shares the story of one author from the column, who wrote “The 12-Hour Goodbye That Started Everything” in 2017. The author describes struggling to move on after a breakup, feeling like the end of the relationship meant she had somehow failed. Her therapist finally says to her, “It’s not about getting over and letting go. It’s about honouring what happened.”
So, in response to whether your relationship truly mattered to her: yes, it did. Even if she won’t acknowledge it, your love and the moments you shared held real significance. Those experiences have left a mark and remain part of her story, regardless of her current choices. Her actions—getting back with her ex, removing photos, even taking out the pride flag—suggest she may be going through her own confusing process. These changes might be less about you, and more about things she’s grappling with internally as she prepares to move and redefine her life. I know this doesn’t make her choices any less hurtful, but , her actions don’t erase the moments you shared or the meaning behind them.
You deserve to feel appreciated and loved for all the parts of you she didn’t fully see. With time, you’ll be able to look back on this relationship as something that taught you how much you’re capable of feeling.
With love,
Liz
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