Dear Liz,
I was seeing a guy for a few months last semester. We were exclusive and talked about staying together through the summer. Right before I left, he ended things pretty abruptly. He said he wasn’t in the headspace for a relationship and was nervous about long distance. Mid-summer, he started texting me out of the blue, referencing our rekindling in the fall. Now that I’m back, I don’t know what to do! I feel like it’s hard to see him and not have any strings attached, but I also don’t want to write him out of my life entirely. I know he’s still not looking for anything serious, and we’re not on the same page about that. How do I maintain a friendly relationship while also cutting ties, romantically?
Signed,
Not a Friend, Not a Lover
Dear Not a Friend, Not a Lover,
Ah, the classic “summer romance that wasn’t”—like packing up for a beach day, only to find out it’s raining. It’s a sticky situation, and I can see you’ve found yourself caught between “he could be the one” and “he’s definitely not it.” Let’s unpack your unfinished business and mixed signals together.
Let’s start with how he acted just as summer was kicking off. Convenient timing, right? One minute, you’re exclusive, planning your summer road trip, and the next, he’s suddenly “not in the headspace” for a relationship. My bet is he was probably more interested in the “local attractions” back home than in maintaining a long-distance thing with you. But then mid-summer, when the hometown prospects started looking less appealing (or when he realized that maybe you were the real deal), he slides back into your messages with all the subtlety of a late-night “U up?” text.
What I will say next might not tickle your fancy but here’s the truth: if he did it once, he’ll do it again. You’ve said it yourself, you two are not on the same page and I’m worried if you pursue that “friendly relationship,” you’ll unknowingly wait for the day he’ll change for you which is uncertain to come.
So, here’s my advice on how to manage this tightrope walk between staying friendly and not getting sucked back into the romantic vortex.
Start by setting clear boundaries. If you don’t want to risk heartache again, you need to be clear about what’s okay and what’s not. Maybe it’s only hanging out in group settings, or perhaps it’s avoiding late-night walks by the water where nostalgia suddenly feels like “he’s the one.”
Secondly, always be honest with yourself. You’ve already acknowledged you’re not on the same page, which is more than half the battle. Keep that awareness front and centre. If you catch yourself daydreaming about “what if,” remind yourself of “what was” and how it ended. No one’s asking you to erase him from your life but don’t let a desire for friendship cloud your judgment about what’s really best for you.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to take space. Sometimes, maintaining a “friendship” post-breakup is like trying to eat pizza without the cheese—it just doesn’t work, and it’s kind of sad. It’s okay to tell him you need some space. If he’s genuinely interested in a platonic relationship, he’ll respect that. If he doesn’t, then maybe it’s less about the friendship and more about convenience for him.
In the end, you’re the one in control. If he’s meant to be in your life, he’ll find a way to fit within the boundaries you set. And if not, well, there are plenty of other fish in this university sea—some of whom are probably way more into the idea of
being on the same page as you.
With Love,
Liz
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