While we at The Journal don’t condone gossip, the rumour mill on campus has been churning. So, here’s what we’ve heard about the signs.
, it’s not gossip if it’s true.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your boyfriend is cheating on you, Aries. Whether or not this rumour is true is a different story, but maybe it’s time to look around and ask yourself why this rumour is being spread. Even if you think he’s a good guy, you owe it to yourself to do a little investigating. Just think about it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
We heard your e-transfer IS working, Taurus, and you’ve just been mooching off your friends for the entire semester. Even if this isn’t true, it’s not a good look. We all have our own rent, food, and bills to pay for—at least most of us do—and it’s time you start pulling your own weight. After all, no one likes a mooch.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Rumour has it, Gemini, you’re not as happy as you thought you’d be in your new relationship and secretly—or not so secretly anymore—miss your ex. Look, people are starting to notice your relationship on the inside isn’t matching what you’re trying to portray on the inside. While this is the case for a lot of relationships, it might be time to re-evaluate.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You think you’re so slick, Cancer, but your friends are getting tired of you bailing on them every night to fawn over your new beau. You fall in love too easily and it’s expected you disappear for months at a time when you cozy up to someone new, but the trick is getting tired. Be sure to show up to the next pre, otherwise you’ll have nobody to go out with when your newest fling realizes you’re kind of a dud.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
While you’re certainly fun to talk shit with, Leo, the second you show your true colours, your undergrad alma mater’s student paper becomes a mainstay in several people’s search history. Though people should indeed run for student government, the student engagement problem out west isn’t bad enough where you had a chance in hell at winning. Next time you run for any kind of office, don’t skip on the media training and be sure to take a marketing class.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Your housemates are g a new lease without you, Virgo. If this is true, I suggest you get a move on as houses are filling up quick. After you’ve gotten your housing situation figured out, I suggest you take some time reflect on why your housemates were so eager to ditch you.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Whispers around campus have been saying you slept with your housemate’s girlfriend, Libra. Not cool. Even if this isn’t true, you should definitely sit your housemate down and chat. It’s the right thing to do.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’ve been purposefully excluding your third “bestie” from plans, Scorpio, because you actually think she’s annoying and don’t have the heart or spine to tell her. If this is the case, it’s time to cut the crap. Sit her down, air your grievances, and move on—there’s no point in dragging out this “friendship.”
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You’re on the quieter side, Sagittarius, but the last few weeks people have been taking note of your prowess as you enter your career. What keeps the conversation about you flowing is people wondering how you’ll make out working a Big Boy job with your contempt for structure.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
We heard from your friends your praise kink is obvious, Capricorn, and you need to settle down. You are lovable, but the amount of fishing expeditions you go on when going out is getting out of hand and people are taking notice.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb 18)
We heard you’ve been telling everyone you slept with someone on the Varsity Basketball team, Aquarius, when in reality they’re just on an intramural team. If this is true, my only advice for you is stick to your story. The only thing more embarrassing than being caught in a lie is sleeping with someone who plays intramural basketball. So, save yourself from the embarrassment and learn from this moment.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
People talk, Pisces, and they know you’re sleeping with your TA to get that A+. When they said there’s a will there’s a way, you weren’t supposed to take it literally. When you look back at your transcript, how that GPA came to be. Next time, let’s put those office hours to better use.
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