Horoscopes: What’s written in the stars (and the sheets)

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Sex is written in the stars—and we’re not talking about the glow-in-the-dark kind on your hook-up’s bedroom ceiling. From fiery affairs to awkward one-night stands, here’s what lies in the cosmos—and the bedroom—for each sign.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

The JDUC construction isn’t the only thing taking a long time to finish, Scorpio. I hate to break it to you, but your partner’s lack of satisfaction recently is not a “them” problem—it’s you. Take a step back and consider what might be holding things up. Sometimes, focusing on the journey makes all the difference.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned party hookup, Sagittarius, and the stars say you’ve got one on the horizon. This time, don’t wait for things to fall into place—be bold and make the first move. Chances are, the vibe will be mutual, and you’ll set the tone for an exciting night. After all, taking the lead is half the fun.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

A little advice, Capricorn: keep your sneaky link exactly that—sneaky. Halloween might be over, but some things are better left in the dark. You might feel tempted to take things beyond the bedroom, but tread carefully; sometimes, crossing that line comes with unexpected regrets.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb 18)

Everyone’s envious of you, Aquarius. With so many suitors, I’m impressed by your stamina. Enjoy the thrill and connections—but , with great pleasure comes great responsibility. Stay mindful, protect your energy, practice safe sex, and nurture genuine connections amidst all the fun.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Pisces, maybe a dry spell isn’t so bad. Instead of spending your evenings entertaining Tinder hook-ups, head to the library—your roommates will appreciate the quiet. Use this pause to focus on self-care, reflect on what you truly want in relationships, and recharge. Embrace the celibacy—it might lead to deeper, more meaningful encounters ahead.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Go for it, Aries—don’t be afraid to shake things up! You’ve gotten a bit too cozy in your long-term relationship and it’s starting to feel a bit… vanilla. Try adding a toy or a new position to the routine—or better yet, ditch your typical routine altogether. Be spontaneous and ionate, it’ll leave your partner craving more.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, no matter what anyone says, having sex in your student house shower is not a great idea. Quit while you’re ahead and opt for more private spaces. Not only will it help you avoid awkward encounters with housemates, but you’ll also create a more intimate atmosphere to enjoy with your partner. Trust me, your future self will thank you for choosing comfort over chaos.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’ve got a lot of love to give, Gemini, and lately, it might feel like one partner just isn’t enough to match your energy. But don’t worry—it’s not about finding someone new; it’s about adding a fresh spark. Step outside your comfort zone and consider inviting a third (or even fourth) into the mix. Embrace your playful side and explore new dynamics together, it could bring excitement and deepen the connection you already share.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

It’s been a rough few weeks, Cancer, but bigger and better things are coming. Keep your eyes peeled for a rebound hook-up so mind-blowing it’ll make you question why you ever wasted time on your ex. Welcome this fresh chapter with open arms and allow yourself to feel the excitement and joy of new connections!

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Leo, I’ll be straight with you: just buy the vibrator. Think of it as an investment in your self-care. Plus, it’ll give you the chance to discover what truly turns you on, which can only benefit your relationships. Enjoy it—you deserve to feel empowered and satisfied, with or without a partner.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

That pillow looks pretty inviting, Virgo—maybe it’s time to relax and let your partner take the reins. We know you’re used to being in control, but in the bedroom, it’s fun to let go! Trust them to lead, lean back, and enjoy the moment without needing to direct every step. Sometimes, the best experiences come when you simply surrender.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

There’s no easy way to put this, Libra—but, quit bringing food into the bedroom. While it might seem hot in the moment, doctors everywhere cringe at the thought of another whipped cream disaster. Romantic escapades can quickly turn into a sticky situation, and let’s face it, nothing kills the mood like trying to scrub syrup off the sheets. So, save the snacks for the kitchen and focus on creating a clean, intimate space that allows you to fully enjoy each other’s company.

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