In a few short weeks, my five-year Queen’s career will finally limp to a close. I’ll have a three-year degree, the possible beginnings of an incredibly low-paying but satisfying career completely unrelated to said degree, financial independence and something a lot of students don’t have when they graduate: their virginity.
Whether it’s a spiritual choice, or an involuntary failure to be in the right place at the right time with the right person, many people find virginity past “a certain age” as perverse as hearing 13-year-olds in the back of the bus rating their blowjobs—just at the opposite end of the freak spectrum. But being a virgin hasn’t ruined my life, nor has it caused my genitals to wither and fall off from disuse.
One reason being a virgin in college can be uncomfortable is that people in the same boat are often too ashamed to talk about it. So to go out with a bang having never banged, here are some things I would have liked to hear other students it while I was at school:
That there are many students who aren’t having sex, and it’s not necessarily because they’re physically malformed, socially inept, or crazy (even if I’ve been accused of all three). That you are not the only one experiencing brief hallucinations that the ’s Love and Sex Supplement carries the parenthetical subtitle (Neither of Which You Have, By The Way). That as the years tick by and you become a sexual statistical outlier, it’s difficult not to notice how phallic-looking normal distributions are.
That you might have to listen to all of the housemates you ever share a wall with having sex, and have to be OK with that, and should probably invest in good headphones. That your housemate might Google “famous virgins” and be disappointed that Isaac Newton’s appearance on the list does not console you. That people will expect you to be embarrassed about your “condition” and be embarrassed for you, regardless of how you actually feel.
That you will be the only one of your friends who sobers up during games of “Never Have I Ever,” while your drink reaches room temperature and your lucidity causes you to retain more information about their bedroom/camping/train adventures than you ever wanted.
That nurses who don’t want to test you for mono will try to convince you that you’re fatigued by early pregnancy, despite all evidence to the contrary. That a lot of people won’t understand or believe that not having sex isn’t denying that you’re a sexual being. That it’s sometimes awkward, sometimes painful, sometimes a relief and often not even a conscious concern. That you may cringe during phone calls from your mother when she asks you if “you have any sexy panties … just in case.”
So if you feel like I feel, you don’t have to get it on—you just have to graduate and figure out what to do with the rest of your life. And it’s awfully hard to get your pants off while rocking back and forth in fetal position, so don’t rush either decision.
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